The Wedding Before The Wedding Survey took place in November 2022 and the results were not surprising since our generation freely express their frustrations and views on dating, it seems on every single platform. There are more men and women single and over the age of 40 in 2022. Sixty five percent of the participants in our survey believe that the reason relationships don’t last is because of unhealed trauma. Well, these statistics prompted a conversation for TWBTW and we found it necessary to have a healthy dialogue about it. So I called up my friend and brother, Charles Smith also known as King Charles of the Talk Radio Show The Throne and I pitched the idea of The Question-Heir and Man-Swer Panel to him. He loved it and here we are nine months later a bouncing set of fraternal twins known as a male and female perspective.
When we think of unhealed trauma, we think of the trauma or baggage that hasn’t been addressed and consistently being ignored by individuals; by both men and women. But most men are less likely to rely on wise counsel to evolve. Instead, they rely on one another’s vain and overly masculine energy which further stagnates their growth, hence stifling the ability to grow in relationship with women they date. This trend leaves women making the bold choice to remain single and continue to do the work to heal from our own experiences amidst our church community or with a therapist. However, most women are relying on one another’s perspectives instead of talking their concerns out with men. Therefore, causing men to shut down as they usually do because they aren’t being heard.
On January 18, 2023 King Charles and I kickstarted our Wine Down Wednesday featuring our Question-Heir and Man-Swer Panel. The event was hosted at The Warehouse in Fort Worth and sponsored by Jim Austin Online; THANK YOU JIM AUSTIN! Our panelist included King Charles, Pastor and Businessman Dwayne Johnson, JaMar “Tad Nips” Elliott and Life Coach Chris Davis. The audience consisted of both men and women with a curiosity and an eagerness for information and conversation. We started the discussion with the question from the survey on the topic of unhealed trauma and got a perspective from each one of the panelists. All agreed that we all have some level of trauma or emotional baggage we carry throughout our lives and into relationships. But, how it’s processed and whether it is addressed is the variable. Tad Nips added that the lack of commitment is what many relationships are missing. But, Yvette Christy, an Advocate for women that have endured sexual trauma, argued that commitment becomes irrelevant in a situation that is unhealthy, physically, emotionally etc. Many women would agree, we’ve endured countless unhealthy marriages and relationships for the sake of what society and other influences say commitment is. Chris Davis, Life Coach and panelist was on the other side of abuse in a marriage due to being abused by his wife. He stated that they had endless counseling sessions that were ineffective because his ex-wife did not commit to doing her own work. Irregardless to gender, race, culture and ethnicity the “spirit” of trauma and emotional instances affect how we all communicate, relate and gravitate towards healthier living in relationships.
I recall one question from the audience that sparked a response from not just the panel but other men in the audience. It was a question, remarked with and included additional commentary surrounding—why some men are only interested in sex. One of the brothers from the audience responded “it’s probably due to who you surround yourself with”. King Charles’ agreed but with a foreword of “these are obviously boys you’re dealing with, and not grown ass men”. Although the remark seemed to spark a conflict, it was a peeling back of another layer for further discussion. When we know better we commit to doing better and that includes surrounding ourselves with those that will compliment our growth.
Healing is a journey and when that is kept at the forefront of our minds, we are less likely to get discouraged in the process. Dating can be a healthy journey when it is approached knowing that every human being has been affected in some way or another by something traumatic; whether it be from childhood or even at some point in our adulthood. But self awareness and self accountability is the prerequisite to building a healthy union. We cannot continue blaming others for where we are in our trauma, neither can we continue blaming ourselves; forgiveness is essential as part of the process.
The Wedding Before The Wedding is a commitment you make to yourself before making it to someone else, so we invite individuals to come out and support this conversation and participate in what we are calling a healthy dialogue. There is a link below to donate to this event.
Therapists, Relationship Coaches, Life Coaches or Counselors we invite you to come out and share your expertise, we need you.
Please join us February 22nd for the next Wine Down Wednesday at The Warehouse featuring another Question-Heir and Man-Swer Panel. Click the link below to register!
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