She Is Her & Her Is She

It’s Earth Day, it’s my Born Day, it’s been a blessed day! A day of reflecting on how much life means to me and how far life has brought me. At 19, it felt like I hitchhiked and jumped in the car with a stranger, not for sure where she was taking me; and me not knowing where I wanted to go. It has been a long, bumpy, chaotic ride but I’ve asked her to drop me off in Texas and I will take it from here. Finally, knowing exactly where I want to be and where I want to go. I started my “bearthday” with tears in my eyes because my sister posted the pic of me wearing the white dress and that made me realize how different I am. I had to get past the disgusted feeling, to be honest, because everything about that picture reminded me of the life I left and how I don’t want to ever see it again. I don’t want the short hair, I despise the big booty, I was absolutely disgusted with the make up; but my way of thinking then is what hurt the most. I even texted my sister and asked her why she chose that picture and she said “because it was the only fabulous one I had in my phone, all of the others were of us in lounge and dress down wear, I thought you shined in that pic”. I love my sister and I am so glad she thought enough to post the most beautiful picture of me that I may shine on my birthday. I kept pondering and my spirit told me “you wouldn’t be her without her”. All the butt and weight I bore was me carrying other peoples issues and trying to be a saviour to everybody else. I wasn’t able to balance it all, so it just sat there. The day I decided I was done with a marriage that was unfruitful, going to church was unfruitful, I was completely over Mobile, Al. Immediately with a mind shift came a booty shift. I was DONE! I cannot be anything else to anybody else until I become it to myself. So I decided that I would start eating, happy!

Yesterday, my spirit served me notice, she is why you are her. So do not despise the big booty, do not despise the short hair; embrace them both. The seeds that were planted on the grounds of my heart at the time, I’ve started to see little sprouts coming up here and there. Where I thought I was unfruitful is actually blessing my transformation today. If I would not have experienced an unfruitful marriage, I wouldn’t be mindful today of what I deserve from a marriage. I refuse to settle for that which is not in line with the great plans that God has for me. My decisions in the white dress, were my decisions and I have to own those. This actually calls for a group hug.

There is so much color in my life today, because of those bad choices. I have on my vest of many colors that my Father has cloaked me with. I am a grandmother of 4 and I can drive to Alabama anytime “I want to” in order to be with them. I love that Texas is home now and I know that, because the minute I see the Sweet Home Alabama Sign, I say to myself “just Alabama”, not sweet and not home. The drive doesn’t even seem very long anymore, because I know where I’m going and I know my purpose when I get there. I use to count the hours spent in each state I passed through and now in the drive my attention is drawn to each little town.

The rest of this life’s journey won’t seem very long either, because when we know where we’re going and we know where we want to be, you can enjoy every “state“ you’re in because we’re learning along the way.

Love Always,

Carla Mashell Dulaney


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