But! I Don’t Wanna Wear That

The title of this blog has been ringing so loud in my head this week. It’s the sound of a 3 year old that has a mind of his/her own. They would rather put on shorts and a jacket, with boots or the shoes that light up and nothing is matching. As mama you don’t care what they want to wear, “you ain’t going nowhere with me looking like that”. I thought about the fearless attitude a three year old has and how they know exactly what they want at that age. They know who they are too, and some of them are hard to conform. As I think back, I was never that child. Never rebellious or should I say outright rebellious. I wanted to always please my mama and I was also scared of her too. But, as I reflect on that, I’ve carried that attitude throughout my life. I’ve started my reflecting on my 2019 and it has been a ride. A ride that I can say I am truly grateful for because my eyes are open and the Lord has made me aware of some things. One thing in particular is how I have allowed others to clothe me. If and when we don’t believe in ourselves and what we have been gifted to do; the most precious and loving people can believe so strongly in us and urge or inspire us to do what they believe we should do. Although they mean well; it is not what God has planned. I’ve had the dearest of people tell me how beautiful I am and how they just love my personality and my compassion for others and how they think I would just be so good at this or that. I spent time and money doing what the dearest and sweetest people thought I should do.

Recently, I took a job as an inside sales marketer knowing full well; I can’t lie or even assert myself to make a sale. I took the job first of all, because of a great salary. Secondly, I believed strongly what others believed and I convinced myself that I could be successful at this with a great smile, a beautiful heart and a bit of knowledge of the culture of this wonderful community. I quickly realized that money is not my motivation, helping people is. I realized that I can’t sell someone something if they don’t want to buy it. I have been “clothed” to encourage and uplift. I have been armored to smile and warm some hearts. I can do that free of charge.

Fear, insecurity, comparing ourselves to others is a great big trap. A never ending cycle, an entanglement. I use to look for compliments and validation. Now, I walk into a room with a green blouse on and some striped pants and get statements like “I would not have chosen that blouse with those pants”. Honestly y’all, I had two people to say that about my featured photo outfit. It was statements like that I would crumble into a million pieces over; but Hallelujah, I’m FREE. I would have looked at the statement as an offense, but I see it now as a reminder of how unique and creative I am. I’m almost certain the way I received from others was a reflection of all the stuff I’ve held in for many many years. It started first with how I saw myself; all I needed was another negative person to bear witness with what I was already thinking of myself. (I DON’T WANNA WEAR THAT)

I finally know what true confidence is and it is merely being “just fine” with who I am and what I have been gifted to do. Believing in ourselves weighs more than what others believe about us. Whatever I believe about me is the seed that is only nurtured and watered by others. So if I believe the worst about me, it just takes one sprinkle of water from a mean person to sprout or bud what will one day become a tree.

Don’t just believe in yourself, BELIEVE THE BEST ABOUT YOURSELF! Even if it means living life wearing what others wouldn’t have chosen.

I Love You,

Carla Mashell


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